lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
