I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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