I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
