Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
