My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
