Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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