I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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