my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
