i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
