She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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