God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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