dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
