i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She just used a chaser for red wine.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
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