I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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