I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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