can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
