wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
