The maid of honor just puked.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
