I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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