woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/ sake bar! you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done!
question, how would one sake-bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
