I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
