I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
