i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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