Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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