I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
