oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
