If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
We left the knife in your bed.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
