I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
love makes seman taste better
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize