Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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