Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
