Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
