he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
