Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
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