i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
