I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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