i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He did a backflip because drugs
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
