I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
