he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Randomize
