Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
At least life still wants to fuck me.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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