So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
