quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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