one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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