just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
