So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
