I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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