Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
