I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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