I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
they're like a gay fantastic four
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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