I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
