You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
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