you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
My balls are so social today.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize