I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
