Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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