90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
