My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
