I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
