i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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