I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
where does the pee come out of this thing
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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